A long time ago some things happened and I found myself out in the world with no family. Just out. Nowhere to live, no one to talk to, no financial support, nothing. I was still alive, I still had to eat and live somewhere, but my family no longer cared how or if that happened. But like a lot of young people who find themselves in that situation, I went out with fire in my blood ready to prove them wrong. I was homeless, broke and alone but I was going to show them how wrong they were. The passion to prove I didn’t need them propelled me along like jet fuel.
Over the years I’ve made great, good, okay, bad and terrible decisions. I’ve gained and lost. I figured things out and did my best. I have been homeless eight times, the longest time lasting three years. I tried to kill my sell a few times, obviously that did not work. I’ve had a gazillion jobs, none very high paying and definitely no room for growth or success. I’ve met a gazillion people, some good some bad. I got married and unmarrried. I never stuck to anything or anyone. I was rootless. Since I had no family to rely on, I was always insecure. I never felt safe. I still don’t feel safe trusting people. I have one foot out the door at all times because you just never know. At least when you’re alone you know who you’re dealing with.
I’ve tried to go back to my family a few times but it doesn’t take. I blamed myself for not trying hard enough and for not giving enough. I blamed them for not trying enough. I thought endlessly about what could have happened, how I could make it work, etc. what I could say. If I do this, if I do that, I should say something about this, I should say nothing about that. I wanted to go back in time and make everything better, but there is no such thing. Things were said and done and those things can’t be erased or done over. I went through therapy and ended up with a therapist with a similar cultural background and dealing with him showed me all the toxicity that I had been raised with and I was able to finally build a context for what happened and start letting the poison go. So years and years after being kicked out I was finally ready to be on my own.
Fast forward to the pandemic lockdown. Fear of death made me talk to my mother every week. I reached out to my brothers. I made an effort. I made a lifeline for myself in case of death. And I made apologies and I listened and I asked questions and I did my best to be open and at the end of the day I realized some things. My anger at my mother has grown over the nine months of talking to the point where I can’t say another word to her. My brothers… things got worse for them after I was gone, so I can’t blame them for not being able to accept me back. I’m not really their sister anymore. And I don’t have to be. Both of them finally got married, so they have families of their own. They survived. I’m the one that’s dead and haunting them.
Why write all of this down? Who cares? Well, me. I abandon my blog when things aren’t going well because I feel that insane need to be perfect and perky in that oblivious 21st century way. But I pay for this blog and it’s supposed to be a marketing tool so I can’t keep leaving empty week after week. I am a shitty person with family issues and I hate my mother. I am insecure about my looks, I am not rich, I am very very single, and I worry about being successful enough to support myself in my old age. I have tried twerking and did not like it. I’m not perfect, and I am definitely not perky. I have never been perky. At best I am just tolerating everything. I love being alone, but I feel bad about liking it because it means not cultivating business relationships and making money.
I would like to believe that I’m going to blog every Saturday. I’m going to put it on the calendar and set up a reminder. Not because I’m looking for friends or need attention, but because a blog is a business tool. I have a soap business to promote, and I still have a reselling business, which is why this blog is setup to take PayPal payments. It’s a blog with the potential for revenue built in. And I need to use it so that I can build my revenue. Which means that I need to have the discipline to work on it every week and plan schedules for posts and move on with it.
Good luck to me.